its light outside tonight

pouring grace all over those who have poured grace over me

clorox the walls and hearts...my heart

looking into peoples eyes so broken that you can't not love them

no matter what they've done... no matter what

letting go of anger while you desperately try to hold on

because it's your only way to protect yourself...

so you don't feel...so you keep them states away

seeing her laugh for the first time in years...seeing her awake...

then seeing her sadness and her longing for a relationship with me

my bitter heart feels tremendous amounts of guilt

if i could hold that guilt for a year i would

if it meant that it would soften my soul

if it meant that i would be kinder and more forgiving

more understanding and less judgemental

if it meant that others would not be afraid of my anger...or my words

if it meant that I could be just 80% selfless...

i would suffer for a year

if i could just understand love a little bit more

or at all for that matter

sometimes i feel like i don't love anyone but myself

nor could i ever really love anyone if i tried

please don't judge me

even though i've probably judged you

please forgive me

even though i probably haven't forgiven you

i don't like myself for it

i loath that part of me

the part when i speak too quickly about the mess around me

like i played no part in it

like it's all your fault for getting yourself into this

please let me feel this guilt for just a year

so i can truly stand beside you for the rest of my life...or the rest of yours

without you having fear that you are a disappointment to me

you looked so beautiful...i forgot how beautiful you were

you are my blood...thick you run through my veins...thick i run through yours

i just want us to be okay