He's so FINE he blows my MIND

Jason Shaw...my 5th grade boyfriend...gold chain around neck and big crooked teethed smile
by far the fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinest boy in my Sunday school class

...the girls were jealous...

He loved my hot pink shirt i tied in a knot on the side to accentuate my very high-on-the-waist stone washed/tucked in and rolled at the bottom jeans...my matching hot pink socks skwinched down into my eastlands with the shoe laces tied in a spiral...no need to tie laces...it just took way too much time out of my very busy life of applying and reapplying frosty pink lip gloss.

We were absolutely perfect for one another...even Kristy Mapp said so (who by the way pretty much had the coolest bangs of all time.) Sundays and Wednesdays were the best days of my week because, of course, i loved Jesus, but i also Looooooooooved...with a capital "L" Jason Shaw.

I loved the way he shot a basketball in the gym to the way he drank his warm generic cool-aid and ate his stale sugar cookie during snack time at church. He was Magnificant.

His mother drove a van...gray, one of the newer kinds that had the extra seats and i dreeeeeeeeamed of sitting in one of those extra seats on our way to the most perfect romantic date to see "She's out of Control" at the movie theatre...

This movie was about this really semi-ok looking teenage girl who gets a makeover and suddenly turns into sexpot at her school and she becomes really popular because she was so HOT and cool and her dad (played by Tony Danza) totally freaks out...

Of course i wasn't allowed to go with Jason Shaw ANYWHERE nor would my parents have allowed me to watchthat movie in fear that I myself might turn into a little 80's hooker that my parents could not handle.

This relationship was filled with the most passionate moments I can remember. Glancies across the fellowship hall...brushing shoulders in the church kitchen...stepping on the back of my flip flop to give me a flat tire...

And the most exciting memory of all is when the head pastor was leading our sunday school one morning and we were watching a movie...Jason and I totally held hands/touched each others finger tips RIGHT IN FRONT OF PASTOR EMORY...of course he didn't see because any time he turned around we both jerked quickly away from one another...i'm sure he had NO idea

I remember that day because when Jason Shaw touched my hand for the first time a burning sensation shot all the way down the back of my right leg...and when i say burning sensation...i mean BUUUUUURRRNING sensation that could have been the best feeling of my life...well, up to that point. It left me weak and helpless.

I remember countless nights i would listen to New Kids on the Block for hours dreaming of Jason Shaw...what a STALLION.

For my 11th birthday he gave me an I.d bracelet. It was gold linked with my initials on it. It was the best present I had ever received in my entire life... The thing was, my feelings for Jason had begun to fade...i mean, I was sooooooooo young to be tied down like this...even Kristy Mapp said so...and he wasn't even as cute as he was last sunday...even Kristy Mapp said so

With that said, I broke up with Jason in the parking lot of our church after the 10 o'clock service the next sunday. I had planned out exactly what i was going to say so i wouldn't get nervous and back out. I had practiced countless times playing out every possible scenario of what he might say back. "Jason, I want to break up"... "Ok" he said. It had gone just as i had imagined.

I thought it would feel satisfying and powerful...i mean sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do...but it was awful...i remember he looked kinda sad...and embarrassed...2 emotions i wasn't used to a man of 11 years old having, at least not over a girl

I didn't give him back the I.d bracelet he had just gotten me...he said i could keep it... that was nice of him... I was guilt-ridden for breaking his heart. I didn't know if i would ever be able to forgive myself...

2 days later he was dating someone new...

and so was i...

so...whatever...

but just for the record...the burning leg thing never happened again :)

Im feeling officially old

I'm feeling officially old...

mtv is too risque...short shorts and boots are slutty
calling in sick to work because i'm feeling a bit sick is not an option anymore...
recession...layoffs...bills...kids and teenagers that call me Ms. Melissa...

"Bob's house" sounds dreadful because of the next day hangover...new tires...living by a planner...and washing my face every day and night with expensive clinique products...googling aches and pains I've never had before to see what my diagnosis could be...knee aches when i run...

helping friends through miscarriages and divorces....loss of children...first time gray hairs...and Oh My God cellulite...on my ASS...awesome

shopping at express and banana republic...hair up and out of my face...and professional...ALWAYS mascara and lip stick...cussing is not as appealing...it sounds "trashy" and "unprofessional"...but it still FEELS so DAMN good to do it...checking the SPF in my makeup...boyfriend...serious boyfriend...talking future and travel plans and places to live and...

quickly cutting off thoughts of other men that pop into my head...strangling and choking out any desire to let my mind run wild...accepting the fact that this man could be the last man i ever kiss, touch, breath quitely and secretively with...and being thankful for that...

reading memoirs and the newspaper and coming of age books and post modern religous books...listening to podcast sermines while i exercise and going to conferences to learn about financial planning... adoption options...mammograms...and x rays...and heart tests...

stepping on a plane with no anxiety...because I have lived such a great and satisfying life so far...with all the hurt and mistakes...so many mistakes...and family drama and love drama...and work expriences and friendships...and travel...all over the world...

big panties and bras that are comfortable...showering everyday...putting pictures of my friend's babies up on facebook and framed on our refridgerater...dressing up Roscoe and thinking its the funniest thing i have EVER seen in my ENTIRE life...sitting with my friend's parents as their peers...stocks...and board game night...holidays are the only times the gang really gets together anymore...losing touch with her and him

looking at pictures at 22 and wondering where all that extra energy went...probably the same place my fake bleach blonde hair, leopard print pants, and my beer gut went...

listening to John Tesh and 94.5 because it doesn't play all that "rap music crap"

yeah...i'm feeling officially old