silence control fear

~yes

line 1, it's the education director

~thanks...this is melissa

hi melissa...so have you heard?

~yes

we want you to take the case...the judge has referred her to you

~i heard that too

do you know the background?

~yes...i requested the chart from madisonville county, read up on it last night

what do you think?

~the same thing you do

you know she hasn't spoken to anyone in 6 months

~yes, i know

what are your thoughts?

~do you blame her?

for what?

~her silence?

....no...have you ever worked a case like this?

~no

you are quite? you are never quite...

~i haven't been shocked in a while...i thought i was passed that point professionally

(silence)

we are hoping you can work your magic... she likes to draw and she likes animals

~yes, i read

do you want this case?

~is this a trick question?...you know my thoughts already...it's why you want me to take the case...i will not see her without her mother being in treatment...if they want me to take the case...it is contingent upon her mother's involvement in her own therapy...dad is not allowed on these grounds...that's my recommendation and boundary...period

i know...that's why we chose you...(silence)....are you afraid of him?

~hell yes i'm afraid of him...everyone should be...and if i am afraid of him...think about her

he shouldn't be a problem...we have a restraining order against him

~the last thing he cares about is a restraining order...

(silence)

thanks for doing this...we'll do everything we can to help...just let us know

~listen...don't try to make her talk...she will when she is ready...just let her be in control for a bit longer...she needs that

Rest in Peace Eric Banks (Sept 1979-Dec 2001)

a black crow was sitting on my car Sunday morning when i came out for church...shit

6am Monday morning...up before dark...headed to the gym...it's cold as hell...today will be a long day...a long sad day...i want to make sure i'm ready...emotionally and physically...wanna make sure i get my endorphones going and my serotonin up...i wanna make sure i'm ready

last night i received a phone call...late...that there was a suicide at the high school...
the Kentucky State crisis team had been called in and also a request for me to be there as well...for the whole day... to provide grief counseling and be there for any other needs that arise during the day...

my scheduled appointments were rescheduled and with coffee in hand and a very deep breath, I opened the double doors to Woodford County High...silence and calm...few tears...mostly blank stares...shock

this very scene evokes all kinds of counter transference and personal pain...death, whether we know the person, hear it on the news, or are watching others deal with surviving after the loss drudges up our own past darkness and experiences...that deep hollow black pit we have all felt when those we have loved have left us...and then the questions...the confusing unanswerable questions...the same questions we have asked a million times and will ask a million times more...

this isn't the first time i have been in this very library watching adolescents mourn the passing of a friend...sitting in silence with innocent faces untouched by the brutal passing of anyone they have held dear until this very moment...the ones that have experienced death for the first time...they are the ones weeping...holding on to the other...looking at me with desperate eyes that scream at me for any logic behind this or answers that might make this very new and dooming feeling go away...

then there are those who have been through this before...and not just once...and not just twice...and not just three times...but many...those are the ones starring at the floor...unable to make eye contact... angry...angry.. AAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNGGGGGRRRRRRRYYYY...and numb...so numb...to the dark pain of death...just angry...and shut off...because letting themselves experience that familiar pain again would be too much...so they just stop...they turn off...

they are not interested in asking me questions...they are not interested in talking...they are not interested and figuring out why...WHY????? the INFAMOUS question...the question i still ask myself about Eric although i know it can't be answered...and the question asked of me 786 times yesterday...why??? why???why???why??? whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???

the truth is...no one knows why...and it sucks...and it sucks to have to give such a cliche answer to these kids...it seems like they deserve an answer right??? that God should come down and give a speech to broken and innocent children for goodness sakes...but God's not...and it is true...no one ever knows why...no one will even know why...

and to try to put logic to such an irrational act is futile...how do you explain that to kids???

i remember my training..."DON'T EVER CRY IN FRONT OF SURVIVORS...NEVER...YOU CRY WHEN YOU LEAVE...YOU CRY WHEN YOU GET HOME...BUT DON'T YOU DARE THINK OF CRYING IN FRONT OF THEM...YOU ARE THEIR GLIMMER OF STABILITY WHEN NOTHING ELSE IN THAT MOMENT MAKES SENSE...WHEN THEY SEE YOUR FACE...THEY NEED TO SEE HOPE...DON'T EVER EVER CRY IN FRONT OF THEM...EVER"

and i didn't...as a matter of fact...it never crossed my mind...i was stronger than a rock... surprisingly...6 hours in machine mode...in and out of offices, comforting and consoling...sitting before groups...explaining as much as i could about normal feelings and suicide and answering any questions they might have as best i could...holding on to teachers who barely made it through the day...i was a professional to the core...and proud of it...proud that I had made it through that day untouched by that sickening feeling everyone was trying to make go away

on the way home i passed a car that looked like Erics. A black neon with a red head in the drivers seat...he waved at me...I still don't know if it was real.

I pulled over immediately right in front of the airport...i couldn't catch my breath...i sat their for 20 minutes weeping...a plane landed over my head snapping me back to my mission of getting home safely in the ice and sleet...

i pulled out Eric's memory box last night...i found notes and pictures and drawings of him kicking my boyfriend's head off as it was portrayed with Jason's head flying through the air...ha...he never really cared for him...and skateboard sketches and emblems of "the dogg pound" gang we were members of...sometimes...unless the boys were mad at me and Lesley and then we were kicked out until we made amends the next day...or five minutes later....whichever...ha

i sat down and wrote his family a letter...i don't know if i'll send it...i should get home to alabama to visit him soon...i remember exactly where he is buried...i remember everything...

i remember the four of us showed up together to the viewing...i remember how i was the first one of the group to approach his father...i remember how his father wrapped his arms around me and put his head on my should as he fell to his knees...i remember the weight of his big body holding on to my little body...i remember my friends grabbing him to help me hold him up...

i remember the last time we hung out i feel asleep on the chair and when i woke up he was upside down on the recliner...ha...

i remember that ridiculous van he bought in high school to carry all of us around in...and the one time he kissed me in his car...gross...ha...and dancing and singing together...i remember silly video after silly video we would make...i remember the skits he would put on for pep rallys and how he NEVER got in trouble because he could always weasel his way out...

i remember plans to attend Indiana Wesleyan together and driving up together...I remember one week later when he decided to go back home...packed his stuff and left me and Wes there...

i remember being so mad that he would just leave like that to head back to COTTONDALE without giving this new experience with all of us together a chance...

he always was a homebody

i remember the call reporting the car accident

i remember meeting friends in louisville to head back home to say goodbye to him leaving for the last time

i remember the man i was dating at the time trying to console me..."my mother died when i was four" he said...i was enraged...how could he even pretend to know how i felt...he didn't know Eric...he had no idea when i was going through...he was four for god's sake...and did i mention he DIDNT know Eric...i broke up with him that day

It's been seven years...god...seven whole years...sometimes it feels like yesterday

Rest In Peace My Dear Friend...

and thanks for saying hello today

write

I tore pages out of my journal today...it felt good
i'm sure i'll regret it in the future

It really did hurt my feelings...a lot
I would never tell her that...
I hope it had nothing to do with him

i can't believe she's pregnant...
she'll be such a great mother...
it couldn't have been worse timing...
i've cried out of joy more than she has...
i wouldn't be sad if i was having a baby

she's coming to america and never returning home
i'm the only one who knows
she's leaving her kids and husband to "be free"
i'm her only friend...or will be when her "Christian" friends find out her plan

being sick sucks
i feel guilty like i should clean or read or grocery shop
but all i wanna do is lay here in my room surrounded by empty water bottles and
tobaggons for when head gets to cold...then too hot...then i sweat
no one came by to make sure i was ok for a week
that sucked too

my parent's dog died
i wonder if that will send him into relapse
i wonder if she'll leave again
i wonder if this will ever end

you are so good looking...
and your accent is nice...
you are so patient with me...
that DR in front of your name is fabulous too...
you'd spoil me...pay for my travels
and you sure can kiss...
i'm sorry...i just can't...or won't
you leave next week...
and i haven't returned your calls...
i really do care...

i nailed the interview
i was so nervous

i think he missed her more after he talked to me all day
i should have never looked

God i hope i never do that again...
will i ever do that again?

I'm glad everyone was safe during the weather...
i dragged rachel to the basement at 2am
man, she was happy
better safe than sorry

if i could just sale my car........