just one of those nights

sleep does not come
just one of those nights
ive dreamed about you 3 nights in a row but you change from you to him and him
so i feel really confused when i wake up
but it always starts out as you...


and i don't know why you are popping up again...i don't think there is anything significant about this time and you
but you wont leave me alone...


you never call...you never really have
and if you did, i'd screen you
but it would make me feel better if you did call
but not if i answered...only if i screened

and i hope you are not happy with her...that makes me feel like a bad person to feel that way
like i should only wish you the best of luck and joy with your new found love...
but i can't
i hope she is as frustrated as i was...god, i am sorry
this isn't even coming from anger
it's just the way i feel
i do feel bad about it

and im so damn lonely tonight
but it's okay because i'll be fine after i fall asleep
and this never lasts that long
but it sucks right now

sucks so bad that i crawled out of my comfy bed at 1am to find roscoe
and laid down beside him on the hard floor just to feel something breathing and warm close to me...
he put his head underneath my chin...
that was a nice thing for him to do...
and it did make me feel better...

i want to tell you i'm a different person...but there are lots of reasons that wouldn't matter...and lots of reasons i wouldn't want that to matter
i want to tell you to give me another chance...but i think that sounds weak...and i don't even know if i would even want that if it ever came down to it
i want to tell you that we could have been so good together...but i don't even believe that
i want to tell you that i'm having the hardest time getting over this...but it has made me a better and stronger person
i want to tell you that nights like this are few and far between...but when they do happen i feel like i could wake you up with my thoughts
i want to tell you that i know i never wake you up...that i know i never have

i want to tell you that it all still makes me sad...if i let it
i want to tell you that typically i don't let it...
i want to tell you i never talk about you anymore
i want to tell you i found that damn letter in a book i hadn't opened in a year and i ripped it into a million pieces...

but couldn't bring myself to throw any of those pieces away...

it was such a beautiful letter to write...it made me feel beautiful inside...
now it makes me feel like there is an hollow hole going from my throat to my belly button...
i'd like to never have to feel that again
that would be good

i want to tell you that the only 3 dates i have been on the last two months and the only three text you have sent me have been on the same fucking day





there's lots i could tell you and sometimes want to tell you...but nothing i ever will again...and certainly nothing you want to hear

well, let's face it...i'm sure you want to hear it all...but nothing would come out of it...
except for me feeling so sad...and you feeling so powerful

neither of which i am interested in

i am man

"i will do it" he spoke...but what he really said was "i am man"... i had never felt more injustice and inequality in my life...i could not keep my thoughts to myself...they came out forcefully ...with poise and strength...and pride....and a hint of validated anger...i am not afraid of him...he knows it

he looked at her across the room with eyes that physically beat her down...she is quite
i am not...at least non-verbally...i stare...glare...catch his eye and he knew my mouth would soon follow...in front of "friends"...he gracefully bowed out of this fight as his eyes cut to the wall...but i cannot protect her tonight when she is alone with him...i do not want to make it worse

but she is a fighter...he hits...she hits back..."i will not cry in front of him"..."i will be strong, he will never see me cry"...but we cry together...i hold her until she pushes me away...i hold her tighter...she is woman...she makes me proud..."it's worth it" she says..."it's worth it for him to beat me...so i can look him in the eyes with no tears"

our souls held hands immediately when we met...and have never let go

to see her cry fuels a part of me that has to be tamed...that wants to throw all rationale out for a temporary ass beating or at least a verbal lashing that leaves him with his dick between his legs and his pride smashed under both of our tiny powerful feet...

"where are you?"

"on the way home"

"you better be"

i grab for the phone in my mind and tell him what a fucker he is...how i will never look at him the same...how if he ever disrespects her in front of me...i will beat him down in every way i can...and scream to the world "WIIIIIFFFFFEEEEE BEATER" so everyone will know

and she lets you touch her...kiss her all over...and she is more gracious than i would ever be...or maybe smarter...planning...for the sake of safety and family she gives in...it makes me sick

i imagine myself on his back... arms wrapped tightly around his neck and pulling him backwards while she runs...i would take his pathetic beatings...for her to be able to run away forever...piece of shit

he looks at me with distrust...and he should...my loyalty lies with her...you hurt her...you hurt me...

you hit because you are scared and threatened...you hold her back because you know she deserves better than you...that she has a better life to live...that she is beautiful and brilliant...you hold her back because if she finds out these things about herself...about yourself...she will run....

the thing is...she already knows...