home

Pit as deep as black...white used to be the walls now tainted yellow from smoked lungs and heavy coughing...stained teeth...empty pill bottles and old bills...the smell of depression and deceit so thick it hovers over like a cloud meant only for this place...

Deep lines cover a face that make-up never touched until I said "It makes you beautiful...more beautiful"...Downward spiral of shame until she holds out her hands...empty, stares into them..."Don't come...you're the only thing i did right...please don't come" Lowering her voice...head heavy hung down so far her beautiful hair covered her exhausted and hopeless eyes...too tired...too damn beaten down for excuses or blaming...

I am silent...screaming inside...I feel nothing...everything...nothing at all...angry, so angry i am numb

"Hello...are you there...i know it's you...you're number came up...please...i'm sorry, so sorry"... his sorrowful voice shaking...pleading...i hold the speaker to my forehead..."baby?"... he means it...and i believe him...i always do when i hear him say my name like that...I can't speak...won't speak...have nothing left...feel nothing...thumb presses hard...my spirit connects with the monotone sound of the dial tone... and I rock to the melody of nothingness...

The basement floor is checkered...It looks different from the ceiling...I've never been here before... it's peaceful...and I'm suprised at how delicate I look below me...I would never describe myself as delicate...wish that I could....wrapped up with both knees tight to my chest...and i look like her...and him...and i look sad...just like her... and him...but i don't feel sad...i don't feel...i don't...

i wish i could make it rain on the inside...and the ugly parts would wash out of my toes...I am everything you think i am, nothing you think i am... I am home

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Home. There was nothing to do but pack my suitcase and wade into it. ~ sue monk kidd~