i wish i could make it rain

9 year old female

i cupped her soft cheek in my hand and ran my finger between her eyes at the top of her nose...

"hey little lady, wow...i like your scar...when did you get it?... i don't remember it being there last summer"

"i'm supposed to lie"

"lie about the scar?"

"yea, pa-paw told me to lie...he said to tell everyone that i fell"

"did you fall?"

"no"

"what happened?"

(silence)

"i'm sorry...you don't have to tell me...i'm sure you have your reasons...but if someone is hurting you...are you okay?"

she begins to bite her lip and a tear escapes from her left eye...

"he cut me...he cut me with some glass...he was mad at me and he broke a bottle and cut my face...but...it was an accident...he didn't mean too...and i was being bad...real bad...and i shouldn't have been"

"look at me...hey...look at me...no one...NO ONE should put their hands on you that way...i don't care what you did...how bad you were...YOU ARE WORTH MORE...look at me...you are worth more baby"

(silence)

"will you adopt me? i'll be good for you...promise"

i wonder what kind of a person can cut their child...not hit or slap across the face...but CUT and slowly slice an X in a child's forehead?...ill tell you who...someone that i'm sure will end up in hell one day, if there is a hell...and if there's not...certainly karma will get him...no wonder she fights...no wonder she runs away...i would too...because if she didn't...she might die...and i don't mean that metaphorically...but let's identify her as "oppositional defiant" because...well... if not then we might have to remove her from her home...and we want to keep all the children in their homes if possible...it's the fucking American way right?

it's bullshit if you ask me

___________________________________________________________________

10 year old female

"hey darlin, your skirt...there's something on your skirt...why don't you run to the bathroom and make sure you didn't have an accident"

she has problems with hygiene in general...we've been working on cleanliness for months...low functioning mother, completely unable to parent...emotional absent father....poor...poor...poor

another therapist grabs me...hands me pads and says 'she has asked for you'

"can i come in?"

"yeah"

a smell hits me stronger than death...i feel my lunch shoot up to my throat...she stands there, taller than i...breast bigger than mine...size 18...skirt and panties down...mother nature has colored her from knees up, panties and skirt soaked from the fall of woman...hands covered in blood...she holds them forward, palms up

"i don't know what to do...what am i supposed to do...what is happening?"

i couldn't breath...unbathed, overweight, and unaware...i couldn't breath...i force out a smile

"this is what happens to our bodies when we start turning into women...congratulations!...i know this must be weird but it's okay...you're not sick or dying"

"I felt down there and i didn't feel a cut...and now my hands...they have blood all over them...my hands..."

her hands were shaking and she began to cry

"no worries, hey listen...this is happened to every woman you and i know...it's happened to all of us...to me...to your mother...to your therapist...to your teachers...it's okay...as a matter of fact...i'm glad i get to be here with you to talk about it...it's a pretty big step pretty girl"

"really?...i'm not dying?...should we go to the hospital?...what do i do now?"

"here are some wipes...wipe everything until your skin is clean...wipe in between your legs front and back until there is no more color on the wipes...take off your clothes, put them in this bag and tie it up tight...wrap all wipes that you used into a ball of toilet paper and put in in the garbage so no one can see anything that looks like blood...then wash your hands and underneath your fingernails...I will be right back with some brand new clothes and then we will talk...woman to woman"

she pushes out a tearful smile

i walk out the door and run straight outside...breath in deeply the hot Kentucky air... so young and so alone...no woman to teach her how to care for herself... how to be proud of her body and its changes...no woman to teach her how to put in a tampon or what pads to buy...no one to teach her how to clean herself...no woman to wash her clothes stained with womanhood and no one to put a heating pad on her belly and buy her pop sickles to ease her nerves...no one to proudly push her hair out of her face and comfort her new step as a female......no one...she has no one
__________________________________________________________________



8 year old male

"i hate you...you made him leave...i heard you say it...you said 'don't come home'...it's your fault...you're not my mama...you don't love me...if you did then you wouldn't have made dad have a heart attack and leave us...your the one that has problems...you scratched him and threw his shoe in the toilet...and it wasn't even flushed...your crazy and made him go away...i'm finding a new mother"

mother sits in tears...i let him continue

"call him mom...do you have his number?...just call him and tell him how much we feel...tell him how much we love him and how much we miss him...you haven't even called...you made him leave"

dad's a liar...makes promises that he can't keep...sat in my office 3months ago and committed to 4 couples sessions to work things out...mother confronts him about an affair...he denies...she leaves the room for a bathroom break and he moves closer to me...makes a joke...and winks...yeah...he's having an affair...and beating off to his therapist at night...he leaves her the next day...on her 33 birthday

" maybe we could call his mom and dad and they will yell at him and spank him and then he'll come back to us...or if i see him i can hit him in the balls or pour chemicals in his eyes and then he'll come back because he'll know what we feel like all by our self in the house without him"

"yoooooooooooouuuuu are the reason he left mom...because your crazy...you are...he doesn't have problems...YOU DO...and i hate you for making him go...I HATE YOU!...i cut my leg and YOU didn't even call him to take care of me...you told him to stay away...he doesn't love YOU anymore so he stays away from us...you made him not love you and now you're the reason he won't see me"


mom did call...his father refused to come to the hospital...

"my daddy is a liar...he lied to his first wife and us and he will leave his new girlfriend...mom...call his new girlfriend because she might love us if she knew us...but he'll just leave her too and then she can be on our side like everybody else and then he'll be alone and he'll know what it's like to feel like we feel and then he'll remember that he loves you mom and he loves me and then everything will be back to normal and no one will be sad anymore...just call him mom...and call his parents...everything is going to be back to normal right? right mom? will you call him and tell him you miss him and i miss him, okay?"


his new girlfriend is carrying his new baby...what do you tell this child who has every right to be angry...every reason to yell and cry and try to find something, someone, anyone to blame...when we don't understand...when we don't have closure...how do we move on? how does a 8 year old move on? how does a therapist of a 8 year old help him move on?


____________________________________________________________________


this is my day...i cried all the way home...i haven't been able to stop thinking about them...hurting for them...weeping for them...i washed the smudged mascara from my eyes and put lotion on my face, noticing the smooth of my skin on my forehead...i took a bath and cleaned between my legs three times...and was thankful for having women in my life to address my growing body's needs......i called my mother to say i was sorry for any harsh words i have spoken to her unfairly...

maybe God will let me hurt a little for them tonight...so they can have a little relief....so they can sleep easy and not be afraid that someone will hurt them...again...ignore them...again...or leave them...again...

i wish i could make it rain on their insides...and the ugly parts would wash out of their toes