Wednesday, June 13, 2007

You don't THINK your way into a new way of living, you LIVE your way into a new way of thinking

This month has been a gamut of emotions and full of life's good oooooole lessons...growth is all around... so is appreciation...so is hope...so is sleeping more soundly and wanting to wake up in the morning...to routine and eating breakfast and saving money and exercising and not drinking and eating healthy and to remembering that I'm never stuck in a situation although it certainly FEELS that way at times... for days and weeks and sometimes months...relationships, jobs, Kentucky, finances, spirituality, fears...WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEEEEEEEEEEL SO DAMN MUCH????

How can emotions be so captivating and so detaining at the same time???

And when am going to learn to FILTER FILTER FILTER these emotions before they vomit out of my mouth????

It's my greatest strength and my greatest weakness...it's why people call me "refreshing" and others call me a bitch...it's my desire for people to know me...and my confidence that if you did know me--you'd like me... because you know you could trust me...for people to know that what i say--they can believe...that I'm the same person in front of you and her and him... and if i say it "behind your back" I've said it to "your face" too...probably in a sit down "family talk" or after a few drinks...it's my desire for you to know that you are important or that hurt me or i don't agree...or I totally agree or I'm sorry or I'm pissed or...just plain REALNESS i suppose...it's not always healthy and it's certainly extreme at times but...it happens...a lot...

I've got so much growing up to do...so many more years of figuring out who I am...it makes me laugh out loud sometimes when I think about the counseling career i chose...

Sometimes I sit in meetings and conferences and trainings and sessions and say things that blow my damn mind...because it's good...and healthy...and so very sane...and people listen and want more...and i make people feel better and i see them make big changes...and I'm praised for my work and professionalism...and I get comments about how I have it all together...wow...THAT is hi-freakin-larious...

Then I walk to my car and call my friend back whose hung over so she can tell me the scandal that went on downtown last night or how "so and so was sooooo drunk that he peed in her laundry basket in the middle of the night"... yeah...right after making a strong case for Women victims of Domestic violence, or being a role model to the little ones watching us, or ideas of improving our addiction's program...

I think about the night before when i stalked people on myspace...reading their blogs...looking at pictures...comparing myself to them or wondering who that bitch is...

I think about how i changed the channel from Nancy Grace to watch That 70's Show...

I think about how i rolled out of bed this morning 40 mins before my first session and it takes 25 to get to my office... how i meant to catch up on my paperwork today but instead i googled Yorkshire Terriers for sale in our area and read the latest news on Lindsey Lohan...

I think about how I reread old emails from ex-lovers and cried while eating a chocolate jello pudding i stole from our children's program's snack closet when no one was watching...and i shut my door to my office so i could put my feet in the sandbox I use for Play therapy, played Bob Marley, and pretended I was at the beach... flying a kite... with my daddy...back when we used to talk and laugh and spend time together...

I laugh at the irony of my profession--mental health--and sometimes wonder if it's just a professional facade i play or if behind my frontal lobe there really is a mature...self-identified woman growing and becoming everything i dreamed her to be...

As I have struggled with the above idea for months...maybe even years... I decided some self-reflection and goal setting MUST happen lest I DROWN in my lack of personal self-confidence and professional competency...

So, I decided to re-read a book called the Passionate Marriage, byDavid Schnarch. This book was my favorite read in graduate school. Schnarch is a student of one of the great pioneers in marriage and family therapy, Murray Bowen. Bowen's theories and literature have been a huge part of understanding who i am, who i am becoming, why it's hard for me to get there, personal patterns, boundaries... boundaries... boundaries... and empowerment...

Bowen coined the term "differentiation" ...aka: self-identity, self-worth, not losing yourself in your relationships or others, knowing who you are as to enhance relationships in which you are involved and not pulling from the other to full-fill your self-esteem or identity needs...wow...that was boring...thanks for sticking with me...

All of that to say... For the first time in a long time...I'm beginning to trust myself again AAAAAANNNNNNDDDD...and this is a pretty big one...I'm starting to believe people CAN change...really change...and I would say that's a pretty important concept for me to believe in since I'm a freaking therapist right??? but I haven't believed it fully in a very long time...and by not believing that people/clients can change...I have given into the idea that I CAN'T EITHER...and that...THAT...is a sad sad place to live...

So YAY!!! There's my classic blogging pain and growth and bla bla bla...but seriously, if you feel like a good therapeutic read to enhance and empower yourself and understand how and why you interact the way you do in your marriage, relationships, and your sex life...read the Passionate Marriage...you don't have to be married...obviously...

Also, if you are a human being you should invest some time and energy into The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck...and oldie but a goodie...and a must read...especially if you have children or are planning on having children...it will rock your world and make you a better person...promise...

With that said...one last thing...I was at a training all day today where this video clip was played...I've seen it many many times...but it always...ALWAYS...gives me chills...I'll let it speak for itself...