just one of those nights

sleep does not come
just one of those nights
ive dreamed about you 3 nights in a row but you change from you to him and him
so i feel really confused when i wake up
but it always starts out as you...


and i don't know why you are popping up again...i don't think there is anything significant about this time and you
but you wont leave me alone...


you never call...you never really have
and if you did, i'd screen you
but it would make me feel better if you did call
but not if i answered...only if i screened

and i hope you are not happy with her...that makes me feel like a bad person to feel that way
like i should only wish you the best of luck and joy with your new found love...
but i can't
i hope she is as frustrated as i was...god, i am sorry
this isn't even coming from anger
it's just the way i feel
i do feel bad about it

and im so damn lonely tonight
but it's okay because i'll be fine after i fall asleep
and this never lasts that long
but it sucks right now

sucks so bad that i crawled out of my comfy bed at 1am to find roscoe
and laid down beside him on the hard floor just to feel something breathing and warm close to me...
he put his head underneath my chin...
that was a nice thing for him to do...
and it did make me feel better...

i want to tell you i'm a different person...but there are lots of reasons that wouldn't matter...and lots of reasons i wouldn't want that to matter
i want to tell you to give me another chance...but i think that sounds weak...and i don't even know if i would even want that if it ever came down to it
i want to tell you that we could have been so good together...but i don't even believe that
i want to tell you that i'm having the hardest time getting over this...but it has made me a better and stronger person
i want to tell you that nights like this are few and far between...but when they do happen i feel like i could wake you up with my thoughts
i want to tell you that i know i never wake you up...that i know i never have

i want to tell you that it all still makes me sad...if i let it
i want to tell you that typically i don't let it...
i want to tell you i never talk about you anymore
i want to tell you i found that damn letter in a book i hadn't opened in a year and i ripped it into a million pieces...

but couldn't bring myself to throw any of those pieces away...

it was such a beautiful letter to write...it made me feel beautiful inside...
now it makes me feel like there is an hollow hole going from my throat to my belly button...
i'd like to never have to feel that again
that would be good

i want to tell you that the only 3 dates i have been on the last two months and the only three text you have sent me have been on the same fucking day





there's lots i could tell you and sometimes want to tell you...but nothing i ever will again...and certainly nothing you want to hear

well, let's face it...i'm sure you want to hear it all...but nothing would come out of it...
except for me feeling so sad...and you feeling so powerful

neither of which i am interested in