and here lies my anxiety

What can i be certain of?...i can feel certain...i can think i know myself...trust myself...believe in myself...believe in Jesus...God...heaven and hell....love...friendship...truth...passion...forgiveness...

but I don't know anything 100% for sure...does anyone? ...can you really trust? can you really?

and here lies my anxiety

and what i think i know...what i think is right and good and healthy is betrayed by my emotions... betrayed on a regular basis...more powerful than my mind...maybe not in the long run but certainly more extreme and influential and scarring....so yeah... maybe in the long run

emotions are not truth...they just aren't... so why give in at all...why let them flourish...because usually they just fuck you up... lead to decisions that you know are unhealthy

i suppose it's to enjoy life more...which in turn allows you to hurt more

so then that's the ultimate decision i guess, right?
is it worth it? maybe...at different times it is??? maybe

but what i think i know about myself...and what i feel...is that making the decision that it's not worth it is not even an option for me...not even if i tried...at least not for my whole life... and i can't tell if i'm angry about that organic decision or relieved...

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

sometimes i wish i could be hooked up to a lie detector and i could ask myself all these existential questions that role around in my head daily...and crowd my thoughts...that keep me up at night....to see when i am actually telling the truth...because i don't even know anymore

what do i believe? about the world...myself...God...my passions

What do i believe anymore?
What is really real?

and the more i think...the more confused i am...and the more frustrated i become...the more exhausted i am...the more i want to say fuck it...and sleep...and sleep...and sleep

because i have a feeling that i'm never really gonna know...and this battle with my mind...with my emotions... will continue to be fought until the day i die...

maybe by that time...i'll be ready to go...ill be too tired to want to think anymore...maybe by then i'll find peace...and trust...in something...that is real

or maybe i'll just feel like i believe in something 100%... even though I really don't....maybe that's what you have to do to relax and just let things be...

maybe