Monday, September 29, 2008

freedom

she told me i was free to write...that she was jealous
she told me it would change when i loved and was loved in return
...that writing would be hard
the vulnerable stuff...the raw honesty stuff...the real stuff that happens in my head...
the stuff that would hurt...hurt you...or hurt me to write


mostly because it becomes real on paper
way more real than when it's just in my head

there is a freedom in both love and loneliness and there is a curse too
because you share and yet lose part of yourself

and the thing is...i like myself...and when parts of myself, my past, my inner thoughts start feeling threatened, I run...
to the other side of the bed or unanswered text or in my office with the door shut
...because i need you to know that I'm still powerful...that when you think you know me...you don't really at all...well, more than i want you too...so just let me believe that only i know me...and that feels good...like i share secrets with myself...and that's okay because i'm a pretty good friend to other people...so i trust i will be to myself...you should trust that too

and please don't be threatened...i chose love...thought it out and allowed myself

but the inside of me sometimes runs wild... and you don't know how free it feels...
it feels so free that i feel guilty


...but that's not freedom...

I'm resistant and stubborn and need to be in control. I'm bossy and please please don't tell me what to do...
...i guess none of that is freedom either...

Cottondale Baptist taught me that Jesus would tell me freedom begins with letting go...whatever that means...i suppose it's the principal of giving myself fully to something...letting you know every part of my being...soul...mind...body...secret thoughts...writing

but that seems quite intrusive...don't you think?

1 comment:

Beka Dean said...

i've been waiting for you to come back. and now that you have, my heart is smiling. i love you.