the grass is always greener

i have now become the guarded and compartmentalized individual that i used to fight for...and against...and it actually makes me feel quite a bit stronger...I suppose that's why other's do it too...i never really got it until now...there is certainly a freedom in keeping others at a distance, specifically men...you may miss the emotional fun of it all, including butterflies and breath taking moments...but at this point...it sure beats the fear of another potential disappointment...

i can't tell you that i believe in love anymore...not the kind that lasts forever anyway, nor can i tell you i will or won't believe in it next year or the year after or a decade from now...

i certainly won't make such strong statements of what i "know" to be true as so many past black and white beliefs have now completely swapped places or turned to gray. Better said, i have found that i can not confidently trust my emotions, thoughts or confidences in a moment or month or possibly years, as so many "certainties" have caused me confusion and grief soon after such "clarity"...

my mentality regarding love changes as frequently and dramatically as Kentucky weather...therefore forcing me to fall back on my own experiences and reality...

THAT being: you're one lucky son of a bitch if you find it...true love i mean...the kind that doesn't change who you are but certainly makes you appreciate and love everyone around you deeper because of the love and trust you find in someone else...the beautiful kind that you hear about when one aged lover passes into the next life and the other soon follows...the committed kind...the "no-deal breaker" kind...the peace, even after a disagreement kind because you know the other will still be there when you wake up

I've come to realize that loneliness is not so bad though...in the moment it's quite swallowing and violent...particularly at night when my bed feels like an ocean full of only me...or the daily out of the blue moments that i find gloriously romantic ... but typically purposefully avoid as it only leads to a deep dull pain in between my breasts...and a lump in my throat that i'm quite sure anyone looking at me in that long moment could notice

but what i have found is that loneliness never stays to long, thankfully...it never really lingers...i just feel a bit emotionally tired the few days after...like getting over a terrible stomach flu that only lasts for a day...and the following days of mental and physical thankfulness that it's over and recovery...

i can think of much worst emotions than loneliness...one being guilt

i'm not ready for a relationship...nor can i imagine wading through my issues at this point with another man...or talking and processing and talking and processing and talking and processing through another love and hurt with exhausted friends and exhausted me...i have found power in not talking about pain or emotions...it helps it go away quicker...seem unimportant...or silly even

i fear i would immediately sabotage...I KNOW I would immediately sabotage...possibly purposefully...possibly neurotically...possibly angrily...but absolutely 100% ruined before someone even approaches me...i could not put that baggage on anyone...I would feel selfish and guilty to lay my still sensitive scars of 3 years of "love and loss" in a man's lap in hopes that he would quite possibly know what to do with it all...considering at times i have no idea myself...it would be a lot like asking someone to carry around an egg in their pocket for a whole week...no wait...a day... without breaking it

my mother, whose only desire is to be my "mother" again, tells me "God's just preparing your heart for the right one"...and while i appreciate the optimism and hope and faith i hear in her voice...i can't help but recognize that with each year of my life and each romantic experience with a man, i have become more closed off and possibly less healthy and most definitely unready...i wonder how that's all gonna work out? siiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhh

but it will i'm told...and i guess maybe half of me believes that...that in 10 years i will be in a nice home worrying about when i'm gonna have time to do laundry for my family in between work and mini van rides to sporting events...wow...that was weird...

but at least by then i'd know my place in life...because the comfort of being young and married certainly gives you passage into the staple American lifestyle...and no one questions just what's wrong with you to be almost 30 and unmarried...because you can now check the box to the next only acceptable life stage after graduate school...

...there has to be some sort of satisfying emotional developmental security in that young married stage of life...much like knowing your role as a child, teenager, college student, married parent, or grandparent...but floundering around out here in the "late 20's and still single" stage...is quite discontenting at times...especially living in the south

and then there's always that fear in the back of all uncertain women's minds that they will soon turn into the fun single aunt that takes the nieces and nephews to the mall to meet up with their boyfriend/girlfriend or has a house full of creepy cats to keep the loneliness away.....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh gooooooodddd

but then there are the redeeming singlehood moments when i get calls from married friends of mine jealous over my latest love affair or even hang over...as it represents freedom and lack of commitment and acceptable selfishness of not having to answer to anyone and only pleasing oneself

reminding me that there are a lot of freeing things about being a single young professional...i just wish the rest of bible belt world would understand or recognize that... without patting me on the shoulder with a sympathetic nod, trying to reassure me that "you'll find someone soon, honey"... when what they are really saying is "oh you poor poor pathetic girl that know one really wants...i'm sure there's another old lonely person out there that's left with no other options either...and you'll soon find each other"...

thanks...uuuummm i guess...GEEEEEZZZZZ...only making me think..."well friends and loved ones, i'll be catching a plane to new york city or L.A now, where it's perfectly acceptable to be a late 20's single woman...here, i will throw myself into an unfulfilling career and make lots of money so i can afford to follow the trend of adopting a child to make everyone back home except me as powerful, respected, and nurturing woman"...

by the way, the adopting a kid move definitely throws you into an acceptable life stage

ahhhhh well...i suppose the grass is always greener...

....

"why are you crying then?"

"i don't know...guess i needed to"

"about what though?"

"...don't know"

"was work stressful?"

"yeah...i guess"

"what happened?"

"nothing really...nothing unusual"

"are you upset with your parents?"

"i don't know...yeah"

"are you upset with him?"

"no"

"did you talk to him today?"

"not really"

"what's that supposed to mean?"

"well we didn't 'talk'..."

"when?...when are you gonna stop?"

"it's not him...it's not my parents...it's nothing"

"well...it's something because your upset"

"is it?...does it have to be?...maybe i could just be upset for nothing"

"who does that?...that's dumb...that doesn't even make sense?"

"maybe because you've never been upset over nothing before..."

"stop...what happened?"

"NOTHING HAPPENED?"

"dude...whatever...okay fine"

"...it's that...what you just did..."

"what?"

"no one gets me...and that's not even the worst part..."

"huh?"

"the worst part is...no one even tries"

"what are you taaaaaalking about, I just asked you what was wrong?"

"...i don't know...i don't know"

"okay...just tell me...i'm listening"

"my 16 year old...she cried today because...she said...she's lonely"

"and..."

"she said she's keeping him around, even though she knows he's sleeping with another girl, because losing him would be worse than living with the fact that he's with another girl too"

"so...so what...she's a kid"

"no...she's a person...who feels alone"

"okay...so what does that have to do with you?"

"...nothing...nothing...it has nothing to do with me"




"...sooooo you wanna go grab a drink"

"sure"

"where?"

"i don't know...where do you wanna go?"

"i don't know...where do you wanna go....."

i need air

lingering memories of burn and suffocation and "I'm done"
overshadowed by nostalgia... damn fucking nostalgia

echoing music of slow devastating heartache bouncing off ceilings... and dark rooms... and falling asleep in her clothes
swollen eyes and whimpers and hour long sniffing
and coffee coffee coffee

desiring only distraction but ending up alone again...drained...exhausted
and no one will know except for one...and these painted walls

because southern strength is driven from within...deep within
from held in...pent up anger and pride and proving to yourself that you don't need anyone...
not even your mama

so, dark will be the house... and light will be the outside
and no one will know except a chosen few...sisterhood

and when it's over...it will be forgotten...or at least not talked about or mentioned

because memories only reflect strength in these parts

until it's someone else's time to hurt...and then we reveal our "dark side"...our "weakness"...
only as a means to offer hope and healing to those we love that hurt the way we remember... but desperately want to forget

broken love

__________________________________________________________________


i dreamed of you today

you screamed and yelled and cussed at me...in front of everyone

you were wearing green and black

and i had forgotten about you...didn't call you...and you had to take a cab

you tried to act okay at first

but you knew i didn't want you there

i hated you in my dream

i hated that i might become like you

i hated that you would treat me that way in front of my friends

i still haven't called you today...and i won't tomorrow

i'm still angry at you for what you did

still angry at you that my mind could subconsciously think you could do that and play out a story while my body...my mind...where too exhausted to stop it

you're messages won't affect me today...the more you call...the more i hate you

let me sleep in peace

_________________________________________________________________

i don't care...care more than you'll ever know

"you're a mean girl....you're a bitch!"

you spread rumors of sex and betrayal...
you're everywhere i am...staring
you never win...because you try too hard...way too hard

stop trying and the crazy goes away
stop caring and the crazy goes away

but you can't stop...and everyone knows
no matter what you do... you always lose

you make me look better than i ever could on my own

i thought i was drama
but when i feel neurotic
i think of you
and feel sane again
___________________________________________________________________

D-Remember when he got so drunk that he made us go out into the snow with blow dryers and hammers and beat the ice off the steps???

M-Yes

D-It was crazy...why didn't you stop him?

M-(silence)

D-Remember when he chased me around the table, caught me by the hair and threw me up against the washing machine....you saw him do it...i saw you...you were there

M-(silence)

D-Why didn't you do anything???...SAY SOMETHING...SAY FUCKING SOMETHING?

M-(silence)

.........long pause..................

D-You were afraid too, weren't you?

M-(silence)

D- You're glad too aren't you????

M-Glad about what?

D-That he's dead
_______________________________________________________________

i love it when you do that...that thing...right there...you're doing it now
like you know i like it even though i've never told you
even though i've done everything in my power to make you think i could care less about you and the things you care about

go ahead and take her home...in front of me...i don't care... it kinda turns me on
because i know you will think of me
because i know you're just a nervous kid overwhelmed by fame and drunken sex
i know you see me...watch me...but you won't know i care...ever

selfish seems to work...i should have learned that by now

you won't effect me

and you won't know he stayed with me last night
and i kissed someone in the ocean the weekend before
and it was good and different and innocently orgasmic

and i didn't think about you
and you would hate it if you knew
hate it more than the power you feel taking her home in front of me

you will not hurt me...i will hurt you

__________________________________________________________________


you fought it 5 years ago and it almost killed you...almost killed me

so helpless in the hospital bed...big strong, American staple of what "man" looks like/acts like

and i held your hand thinking this may be the last time I see you

always thinking this will be the last time i see you

prolonged hugs and minute kisses on the check and foreheads

everytime...EVERYTIME i leave you...i weep

please do not go just yet...please hang on...for me...my kids...for the man that i chose

part of me will die when you are here no more

i'm not ready to die

because when you leave me...my only stable roots, the only stable man in my life... will disappear

and i might too

please hang on

don't go

.......i'm sorry...i've never heard of you

i only kissed you the first time because you looked like someone i used to love

isn't that messed up...i feel like i should feel guilty or embarrassed or ashamed...but i don't

you were better...smoother...had done this before...lots and lots of times before

i had never heard of you or your band...even though apparently everyone else has...and i say i'm sorry...and you say "i'm glad you don't know us"...and i never really know what THAT means...

because you won't be glad when i don't come to hear you sing because i'm at Blue moon dancing to Maria Carey or JT...but you say you like JT and the Reds and you love sports even though it doesn't look like you've exercised a day in your life...and your dark wardrobe and messy black hair would make you stand out at any sporting event...

you sang and sweat and spit and yelled into that microphone...and i wanted to be that microphone...ha

i don't even like your music... but i saw you caught up in your passion...and it was sexy...and dirty...in an underground dive bar rock n roll almost famous kinda way

black hair, pale, skinny, skin tight black jeans...dark red circles under your eyes from sleep deprivation or drugs or sickness or all three....but they saw me as beautiful...you liked my dress...

"baby girl" "darlin" pulled me close...you smelled like beer and tasted like cigarettes...your pale skinny chest and arms covered in trashy colored tattoos...and i liked it

seemed appropriate for you to be holding a bottle of jack and smoking a cigarette as you laid beside me...and it would have been a picture perfect album cover...oh...and you're band is making a video too?...congratulations

you talked about LA and New York...how you aren't meant for this place...and... i really do hope you get out of here...not necessarily because i think you or your band are gonna make it...but because you will never be happy here...you'll always be wanting more

money's not important to you...the "american way" is not important to you...as a matter of fact, you despise it...along with organized religion and war and George Bush... but you like to talk about all 3 when your drunk... and mostly i agree with you... and even if don't, i won't fight you because... you're so gentle when your feet are on the ground and not on stage...

and you don't even provoke me to fight because i know you won't...because you don't care who wins because...you already know what you believe and it's okay that i believe different

and you touch me so soft...sometimes...at the right times...and you stop when i ask you too...

and you think i have it so together...mostly because you dont...and you hate girls like me usually...but there's something about a women with an education and a job that won't let you do THAT....that didn't know your name when all of this town does...

and why do you always end up liking me...and me you...we are so different...

i hate your music...you hate mine...you won't dance...i can't stop...your atheist...i believe in Jesus...i drive a nice car...you drive...sometimes...never...you're house is trash and full of liquor bottles and empty cigarette cartons...you live in the ghetto...thats why you like staying over...you're always younger...barely holding a job...

and i can't get enough

what you can offer me is...the opposite of loneliness...but not companionship...it's different...it's fun and non-threatening...and...it's just...what it is i guess...but it's nice to have you around for right now...but not for long...you know that right??...

and what i could offer you...you wouldn't want...because music is your life...it keeps you a live...and music is what i listen to when i get ready for work or am driving in my car or when i want to dance

you come around every year...different face...different name...different band...

but the same guy...

and you stay a while...until both of us realize what a brilliant disaster this could turn into...


anyway...

i'm sure i'll bump into you this weekend...and the next...

and the next

I don't do "goodbyes" but "I'll see you soon"

Although we have only known each other closely for going on a year...my soul tells me otherwise.The last night with you for three whole years. I suppose it seems silly to feel so deeply about your leaving. It's good and right...so very right...and I'm excited for you and for the people that get to experience the nature of who you are.

I think that's the sad part for me-that I won't be there to go through your struggles/happiness/loneliness/growth. I admit that I am a bit jealous of the beautiful relationships you will make, how new people will be your strength and support, how others will get to enjoy you on a daily basis. I suppose I have gotten used to having you close. I have gotten used to the realness of your processes and struggles and passions. While I will get to read about them from time to time, your words will be articulated and precise, speaking of experiences and growth after all the emotion/rawness/loneliness/and insecurities have been edited out...but that's the part I love most about you...you are real.

You get me...my struggles with religion and men...my struggles with my parents and fighting depression and anxiety...you get me...and while we are different in many ways...you have always made that be okay...in fact, you have always made that good, bringing out differences that I may consider weaknesses but you admire... that has been so very important to me in my relationship with you

You have taught me more about the nature of Jesus than any other person I know. You have this brilliant way of explaining everything I believe to others, and they want to support you and send you away to tell others this belief. But ironically when i explain in to others, they question my faith and pray for my salvation... maybe because of the bitterness behind my voice...and the love behind yours.

Thank you for staying in all weekend to take care of me when I couldn't move from the bathroon floor for two days...for walking in during the middle of the night and early morning to make sure I was still breathing and to place your cold hand against my fevered forehead...yes, i was awake...and yes...it meant more than you know.

Thank you for crawling in my bed on nights that i cried myself to sleep over the past 9 months...thank you for gently speaking truth i wasn't ready to hear...for loving me through my neurotic behaviors. Thank you for waking me up, getting me moving, and reminding me that I am lovable and strong when I had no energy or motivation to make it through another day...for crying tears with me and speaking truth into my life so passionately that you would weep.

And thank you for sharing of yourself. For letting me see your pain...for making me apart of the process of your work in the States, grieving over your grandfather, the difficult decision of giving up your life here to follow your passion. It has been beautiful and I count it a privilege.

And thank you for your passion for the children in Sierra Leone. For the tears you wept over the last 7 months as your heart longed to live among them. I admire your dream. My heart longs to find that reckless passion for something...someday. "There must be a thousand things you would die for...I can hardly think of two"

And thank you for the last two nights. For late night talks and tears and laughing till we couldn't breath...for prayers lifted up over you by friends that you have so much blessed their lives.

And thank you for once again reading a random passage out of one of your favorite books, knowing that I would relate...that you know me that well...and seeing you struggle though it yourself as you sat beautifully at the end of my bed hoping it would touch me as much as it touched you.

I have never been more touched by written words. A part of my spirit healed hearing you read them. Thank you Stephanie. May your healing spirit touch many broken and hurting people...may God protect your mind and heart...may He grow you in ways unimaginable...and may you come back and sit with me for tea in three years while I soak in the wisdom and beauty of my soul mate friend.

Thank you for this passage...it has changed me, and so have you. I love you girl.
_________________________________________________________________

At the beginning of my spiritual experiment, I didn't always have such faith in this internal voice of wisdom. I remember once reaching for my private notebook in a bitter fury of rage and sorrow, and scrawling a message to my inner voice-to my divine interior comfort-that took up an entire page of capital letters:

"I DO NOT FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

After a moment, still breathing heavily, I felt a clear pinpoint of light ignite within me, and then I found myself writing this amused and ever-calm reply:

Who are you talking to , then?

I haven't doubted it's existence since. So tonight I reach for that voice again. What I write in my journal tonight is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up and I am scared they will never leave. I say that I don't want to take the drugs anymore but I am frightened I will have to. I'm terrified that I will never really pull my life together.

In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence. Offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page:

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it---I will love you through that, as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you, too. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship--the lending of a hand from me to myself when nobody else is around to offer solace---reminds me of something that happened to me once in New York City.

I walked into an office building one afternoon in a hurry, dashed into the waiting elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in a security mirror's reflection. In that moment my brain did an odd thing---it fired off this split-second message:

"Hey! You know her! That's a friend of yours!"

And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant, of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page:

Never forget that once upon a time, in a unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.

~Eat Pray Love~Elizabeth Gilbert
___________________________________________________________________

and here lies my anxiety

What can i be certain of?...i can feel certain...i can think i know myself...trust myself...believe in myself...believe in Jesus...God...heaven and hell....love...friendship...truth...passion...forgiveness...

but I don't know anything 100% for sure...does anyone? ...can you really trust? can you really?

and here lies my anxiety

and what i think i know...what i think is right and good and healthy is betrayed by my emotions... betrayed on a regular basis...more powerful than my mind...maybe not in the long run but certainly more extreme and influential and scarring....so yeah... maybe in the long run

emotions are not truth...they just aren't... so why give in at all...why let them flourish...because usually they just fuck you up... lead to decisions that you know are unhealthy

i suppose it's to enjoy life more...which in turn allows you to hurt more

so then that's the ultimate decision i guess, right?
is it worth it? maybe...at different times it is??? maybe

but what i think i know about myself...and what i feel...is that making the decision that it's not worth it is not even an option for me...not even if i tried...at least not for my whole life... and i can't tell if i'm angry about that organic decision or relieved...

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

sometimes i wish i could be hooked up to a lie detector and i could ask myself all these existential questions that role around in my head daily...and crowd my thoughts...that keep me up at night....to see when i am actually telling the truth...because i don't even know anymore

what do i believe? about the world...myself...God...my passions

What do i believe anymore?
What is really real?

and the more i think...the more confused i am...and the more frustrated i become...the more exhausted i am...the more i want to say fuck it...and sleep...and sleep...and sleep

because i have a feeling that i'm never really gonna know...and this battle with my mind...with my emotions... will continue to be fought until the day i die...

maybe by that time...i'll be ready to go...ill be too tired to want to think anymore...maybe by then i'll find peace...and trust...in something...that is real

or maybe i'll just feel like i believe in something 100%... even though I really don't....maybe that's what you have to do to relax and just let things be...

maybe