He's so FINE he blows my MIND

Jason Shaw...my 5th grade boyfriend...gold chain around neck and big crooked teethed smile
by far the fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinest boy in my Sunday school class

...the girls were jealous...

He loved my hot pink shirt i tied in a knot on the side to accentuate my very high-on-the-waist stone washed/tucked in and rolled at the bottom jeans...my matching hot pink socks skwinched down into my eastlands with the shoe laces tied in a spiral...no need to tie laces...it just took way too much time out of my very busy life of applying and reapplying frosty pink lip gloss.

We were absolutely perfect for one another...even Kristy Mapp said so (who by the way pretty much had the coolest bangs of all time.) Sundays and Wednesdays were the best days of my week because, of course, i loved Jesus, but i also Looooooooooved...with a capital "L" Jason Shaw.

I loved the way he shot a basketball in the gym to the way he drank his warm generic cool-aid and ate his stale sugar cookie during snack time at church. He was Magnificant.

His mother drove a van...gray, one of the newer kinds that had the extra seats and i dreeeeeeeeamed of sitting in one of those extra seats on our way to the most perfect romantic date to see "She's out of Control" at the movie theatre...

This movie was about this really semi-ok looking teenage girl who gets a makeover and suddenly turns into sexpot at her school and she becomes really popular because she was so HOT and cool and her dad (played by Tony Danza) totally freaks out...

Of course i wasn't allowed to go with Jason Shaw ANYWHERE nor would my parents have allowed me to watchthat movie in fear that I myself might turn into a little 80's hooker that my parents could not handle.

This relationship was filled with the most passionate moments I can remember. Glancies across the fellowship hall...brushing shoulders in the church kitchen...stepping on the back of my flip flop to give me a flat tire...

And the most exciting memory of all is when the head pastor was leading our sunday school one morning and we were watching a movie...Jason and I totally held hands/touched each others finger tips RIGHT IN FRONT OF PASTOR EMORY...of course he didn't see because any time he turned around we both jerked quickly away from one another...i'm sure he had NO idea

I remember that day because when Jason Shaw touched my hand for the first time a burning sensation shot all the way down the back of my right leg...and when i say burning sensation...i mean BUUUUUURRRNING sensation that could have been the best feeling of my life...well, up to that point. It left me weak and helpless.

I remember countless nights i would listen to New Kids on the Block for hours dreaming of Jason Shaw...what a STALLION.

For my 11th birthday he gave me an I.d bracelet. It was gold linked with my initials on it. It was the best present I had ever received in my entire life... The thing was, my feelings for Jason had begun to fade...i mean, I was sooooooooo young to be tied down like this...even Kristy Mapp said so...and he wasn't even as cute as he was last sunday...even Kristy Mapp said so

With that said, I broke up with Jason in the parking lot of our church after the 10 o'clock service the next sunday. I had planned out exactly what i was going to say so i wouldn't get nervous and back out. I had practiced countless times playing out every possible scenario of what he might say back. "Jason, I want to break up"... "Ok" he said. It had gone just as i had imagined.

I thought it would feel satisfying and powerful...i mean sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do...but it was awful...i remember he looked kinda sad...and embarrassed...2 emotions i wasn't used to a man of 11 years old having, at least not over a girl

I didn't give him back the I.d bracelet he had just gotten me...he said i could keep it... that was nice of him... I was guilt-ridden for breaking his heart. I didn't know if i would ever be able to forgive myself...

2 days later he was dating someone new...

and so was i...

so...whatever...

but just for the record...the burning leg thing never happened again :)

Im feeling officially old

I'm feeling officially old...

mtv is too risque...short shorts and boots are slutty
calling in sick to work because i'm feeling a bit sick is not an option anymore...
recession...layoffs...bills...kids and teenagers that call me Ms. Melissa...

"Bob's house" sounds dreadful because of the next day hangover...new tires...living by a planner...and washing my face every day and night with expensive clinique products...googling aches and pains I've never had before to see what my diagnosis could be...knee aches when i run...

helping friends through miscarriages and divorces....loss of children...first time gray hairs...and Oh My God cellulite...on my ASS...awesome

shopping at express and banana republic...hair up and out of my face...and professional...ALWAYS mascara and lip stick...cussing is not as appealing...it sounds "trashy" and "unprofessional"...but it still FEELS so DAMN good to do it...checking the SPF in my makeup...boyfriend...serious boyfriend...talking future and travel plans and places to live and...

quickly cutting off thoughts of other men that pop into my head...strangling and choking out any desire to let my mind run wild...accepting the fact that this man could be the last man i ever kiss, touch, breath quitely and secretively with...and being thankful for that...

reading memoirs and the newspaper and coming of age books and post modern religous books...listening to podcast sermines while i exercise and going to conferences to learn about financial planning... adoption options...mammograms...and x rays...and heart tests...

stepping on a plane with no anxiety...because I have lived such a great and satisfying life so far...with all the hurt and mistakes...so many mistakes...and family drama and love drama...and work expriences and friendships...and travel...all over the world...

big panties and bras that are comfortable...showering everyday...putting pictures of my friend's babies up on facebook and framed on our refridgerater...dressing up Roscoe and thinking its the funniest thing i have EVER seen in my ENTIRE life...sitting with my friend's parents as their peers...stocks...and board game night...holidays are the only times the gang really gets together anymore...losing touch with her and him

looking at pictures at 22 and wondering where all that extra energy went...probably the same place my fake bleach blonde hair, leopard print pants, and my beer gut went...

listening to John Tesh and 94.5 because it doesn't play all that "rap music crap"

yeah...i'm feeling officially old

freedom

she told me i was free to write...that she was jealous
she told me it would change when i loved and was loved in return
...that writing would be hard
the vulnerable stuff...the raw honesty stuff...the real stuff that happens in my head...
the stuff that would hurt...hurt you...or hurt me to write


mostly because it becomes real on paper
way more real than when it's just in my head

there is a freedom in both love and loneliness and there is a curse too
because you share and yet lose part of yourself

and the thing is...i like myself...and when parts of myself, my past, my inner thoughts start feeling threatened, I run...
to the other side of the bed or unanswered text or in my office with the door shut
...because i need you to know that I'm still powerful...that when you think you know me...you don't really at all...well, more than i want you too...so just let me believe that only i know me...and that feels good...like i share secrets with myself...and that's okay because i'm a pretty good friend to other people...so i trust i will be to myself...you should trust that too

and please don't be threatened...i chose love...thought it out and allowed myself

but the inside of me sometimes runs wild... and you don't know how free it feels...
it feels so free that i feel guilty


...but that's not freedom...

I'm resistant and stubborn and need to be in control. I'm bossy and please please don't tell me what to do...
...i guess none of that is freedom either...

Cottondale Baptist taught me that Jesus would tell me freedom begins with letting go...whatever that means...i suppose it's the principal of giving myself fully to something...letting you know every part of my being...soul...mind...body...secret thoughts...writing

but that seems quite intrusive...don't you think?

then i felt okay

we fought today and it felt good to know that you care that much
you're just so calm all the time
i almost cried when you raised your voice...
but when i closed my eyes...there's was this sun and it was moving it's mouth with everything you said...
like it was making fun of you...real dramatically...and the sun had sunglasses on too...
and i didn't laugh on the outside...
but on the inside,
it was funny
real funny

and then i felt ok

i feel like writing something girly

i feel like writing something girly
like flowers and kart wheels and humming

like tangled hair and sun dresses and bare feet
and lip gloss and freckles and pink

i feel like writing something girly
like hair ties and painted toes and sun kissed shoulders

like skipping and twirling in front of the mirror
and swinging high where your feet touch the sky

i feel like writing something girly
like you and me sittin in a tree

like cinderell--lla dressed in yelll--llla
and sittin in a rockeeeeer eatin betty crockeeeeer

i feel like writing something girly
like bathing suits with poka dots and batting eyelashes

like mommas perfume and bossin boys
and strawberry suckers and glittery jelly shoes

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i feel like writing something girly

if you talk to loud it might go away

sssssshhhhhhh.......quite...if you talk to loud it might go away

no big statements or strong beliefs

whisper…

just.let.it.be

my heart beat has risen to my throat and i know you feel it and you hold me tighter...buried into you until i might suffocate...i can’t even breath…it seems worth the risk at that moment...right then

and i'm a bit embarrassed...i swear you're not the first man to hold me...like that...well maybe

but i've thought that before so you should know I won't believe you all the way...but maybe I want too…maybe

and god damnit i'm fine without you...you should know that...i don't need you...i don't...so you don't have to be so nice and patient and giving and patient and giving and patient because i'm fine...seriously...i'm fine without you…and i don't know if you know this...but i'm fine without you

i like you but I’m good at take-backs…just test me…wait…

…don’t…

and i'm sorry i pushed you but you just got too close for a second...and you know you were...and you just stayed there in that moment...seemed like a fucking hour...and you did it on purpose...and i expected you to be gone when i finished...why did you stay??

guarded and torn down and pushed away and pulled into and holding you away from going inside every part of my being

whisper…

on the inside are my secrets

i won't speak them out loud

but when you kiss me i try to tell you

sometimes you open your eyes and i think you've heard

and it's weird for you to look at me that close...

for me too look at you that close

like you're seeing way deep down inside

and it should scare me

and it does

it fucking scares me

your stare from across the room can make me wet

sometimes just your voice over the phone

how do you do that???

don't ever stop

i mean...please...

please don't ever stop

and thank you...wait...at least so far...but i could take that back...i mean...just be gentle...except i really am fine without you

...stay...

...please...

i think

…maybe…

sshhhhhhhh...quite...if you talk too loud it might go away

just one of those nights

sleep does not come
just one of those nights
ive dreamed about you 3 nights in a row but you change from you to him and him
so i feel really confused when i wake up
but it always starts out as you...


and i don't know why you are popping up again...i don't think there is anything significant about this time and you
but you wont leave me alone...


you never call...you never really have
and if you did, i'd screen you
but it would make me feel better if you did call
but not if i answered...only if i screened

and i hope you are not happy with her...that makes me feel like a bad person to feel that way
like i should only wish you the best of luck and joy with your new found love...
but i can't
i hope she is as frustrated as i was...god, i am sorry
this isn't even coming from anger
it's just the way i feel
i do feel bad about it

and im so damn lonely tonight
but it's okay because i'll be fine after i fall asleep
and this never lasts that long
but it sucks right now

sucks so bad that i crawled out of my comfy bed at 1am to find roscoe
and laid down beside him on the hard floor just to feel something breathing and warm close to me...
he put his head underneath my chin...
that was a nice thing for him to do...
and it did make me feel better...

i want to tell you i'm a different person...but there are lots of reasons that wouldn't matter...and lots of reasons i wouldn't want that to matter
i want to tell you to give me another chance...but i think that sounds weak...and i don't even know if i would even want that if it ever came down to it
i want to tell you that we could have been so good together...but i don't even believe that
i want to tell you that i'm having the hardest time getting over this...but it has made me a better and stronger person
i want to tell you that nights like this are few and far between...but when they do happen i feel like i could wake you up with my thoughts
i want to tell you that i know i never wake you up...that i know i never have

i want to tell you that it all still makes me sad...if i let it
i want to tell you that typically i don't let it...
i want to tell you i never talk about you anymore
i want to tell you i found that damn letter in a book i hadn't opened in a year and i ripped it into a million pieces...

but couldn't bring myself to throw any of those pieces away...

it was such a beautiful letter to write...it made me feel beautiful inside...
now it makes me feel like there is an hollow hole going from my throat to my belly button...
i'd like to never have to feel that again
that would be good

i want to tell you that the only 3 dates i have been on the last two months and the only three text you have sent me have been on the same fucking day





there's lots i could tell you and sometimes want to tell you...but nothing i ever will again...and certainly nothing you want to hear

well, let's face it...i'm sure you want to hear it all...but nothing would come out of it...
except for me feeling so sad...and you feeling so powerful

neither of which i am interested in